Thanks to Facebook's Memories feature that pops up in the notifications now, I got to revisit this little gem I wrote 6 years ago today. Not much, as well as everything, has changed since then at the same time.
Oh, caustic nature of the opening paragraph; my inner 2 year old raging! I had no answers back then, just pure frustration as to what was happening to me. I just want to give the me of 6 years ago a big hug.
The battle of letting go to gain acceptance and peace rages on.
Confessions of a recovering control freak
July 14, 2009 at 10:35am
I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of having a chronic health condition that required you to traipse all over town from doctor to doctor, finding that most of them are lacking their sensitivity chip, and you leave their office feeling worse than when you came. Licking your wounds you think:
Gosh, I had it all wrong...I thought this was supposed to be a collaborative relationship between two adults where I knew my own body and they tried to help, but instead it's dysfunctional parent/child where I feel stupid and invalidated and he/she feels smart and superior and I leave hopeless. Hmm, who knew?!
*sigh* Okay, snarky rant over. So what does this have to teach me?
After a particularly demoralizing doctors visit a few months ago, I was finally able to release my frustration and cry. Tired of feeling I had to be perfect and strong and brave, I looked to the heavens and said: Okay, I give up! I am tired of beating my head against this monolith of a brick wall trying to get some help and find out what is wrong. I have limited control over this if any at all. I surrender. I'm done. It's in your hands!
And the peace that came over me was palpable.
In the recovery movement they call this letting go and letting God. In realizing we have limited control over most of what happens to us in life, we can find serenity. I can have control over my reaction to what happens to me, but not much else. In surrendering, I am free to focus on gratitude for all that I have been blessed with instead of focusing on what is missing.
Because nothing is missing.
Amidst the rush of worldly coming and goings, I observe how all endings become beginnings.
~16th verse of the Tao
Affirm: My body is perfect, born at precisely the right time, and this is my perfect age. I accept myself as I am, and I surrender to the natural course of my body's destiny.