Four Days


Just four days. And oh how wonderful they were. 

For whatever reason, the past 4 days have been good for me health-wise. As in, I almost felt like my old self again. My pain was low and my energy was up. I was ecstatic! BUT, I knew to pace myself and not get too crazy - doing too much eventually causes a bad pain day or two.  So I took it slow, and was so grateful. I can't remember the last time I was feeling well FOUR WHOLE DAYS in a row! I never once climbed back in to bed with pain and fatigue during the day. I was up all day until bed time! And I was able to accomplish 2, 3, 4 errands a day! Last night when it was Ns open house for Kindergarten, I knew I was going to be able to attend! It sounds so small, but all of this is a HUGE deal in the life of a chronically ill (CI) person, as most of the time we don't know how we are going to be feeling minute by minute, let alone day by day. In the back of my mind, I knew not to become attached to it, this awesome way I was feeling. I know all too well how things can turn on a dime. 

And turn they did. Inexplicably, I woke up with terrible pain and fatigue this morning.

Did I over do it after all? Is my Humira/meds wearing off? These are questions commonly asked by people with CI. Sometimes you can point to some definite cause, but most of the time there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it. The roller coaster of CI, and autoimmune diseases in general, creates a crazy tightrope to walk, with many unanswered questions lying in the rubble of our new normal lives. It seems useless to ask "WHY?"

But we do. I do. And when i get tired of grasping at straws, checking my pain chart, trying connect the dots to some conclusion that might help me next time, I take a deep breath, take my meds, crawl into bed, and try to just BE. No negative self talk, no blaming or judging what is happening. Just BE. 

Just four days. Just long enough for me to be acutely reminded of my past life as a well person, taking for granted my health. And before I can BE, I must grieve.